Sometimes I hear a song and I miss you. On certain days my spirits are high and I can jam out on the music and allow it to bring me to a good place. On other days, it breaks my spirit and leaves this ache in my heart. I cannot explain it. It's an ache, an emptiness, a terribly heavy feeling that can leave me breathless.
Sometimes I see a television show that we used to watch and I miss you. On certain days, I can watch a snippet and be happy about the memory. On other days, it brings that ache that I have learned to detect at the first tingle. Immediately, I change the station.
Sometimes I hear, see, smell, or taste something that I would love to share with you, to tell you about and just have a useless conversation over. On certain days, I remember you are gone and talk to you in my mind, it always seems out loud but it's crazy how having a one-sided conversation with you in my head can feel real. On other days, I am reminded you are gone and it breaks my heart all over again.
Sometimes I meet these milestones in my life and I want to share with you, tell you, have you with me to experience. On certain days, I feel like you can see and I will smile to myself and know you would be proud, you would be just as excited, or more, for me. On other days, I feel alone. I am proud of myself but it feels lonely still.
I wish I could master life without you while honoring your memory and being happy that you are now in a good place. I wish I could master the grief and stop it before it overwhelms my heart.
I have this weird way of telling myself to "stop it" when I start going down that pity lane. The place where I am so overwhelmed with grief that the devastating ache returns. I beg myself to stop thinking of you or stop missing you. I beg myself to think of anything but you. I beg myself to accept that my life is without you. On certain days, it works. On other days, like today, it doesn't work so much.
I miss you.
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