Just got home from a fantastic weekend in the Bahamas with my my partner and friends. We took a long weekend cruise, which was beautiful.
We had expected my mother to join us on this trip, we had arranged for everything so she could without worry. What I did not plan for was missed phone calls, anxiety, and fear would drive a wedge into our hearts and divide the relationship even more.
I am not sure what I expected to happen. I think I just assumed sending the information of the cruise line, the cruise ship name, the room number, the accommodations, and all the amenities would be sufficient. I can never apologize enough for not having followed up to ensure the information was understood, not that she saw it but that she understood it. It makes me sad.
I tried calling, my best girl friend tried calling, my boyfriend tried calling and no answers to our calls. There was always a doubt in my mind on whether she would really go. I thought that by ensuring she would have no worries, not one financial burden, not one comfort missed, and all plans made in advance that she would somehow feel comfortable enough to go. Her not answering our calls made me begin to doubt whether she was going to arrive at all.
We boarded the ship and waited by the entrance. An hour later, she called and was upset. I do not think I will ever forget the sound of her voice. The accusations, the pure hatred that was evident. I've always felt some sort of distance, an awkwardness, for as long as I could remember. I remember listening to her and everyone staring at me. See, I have no poker face. I could never lie to you because my face would give it away. They all saw the hurt, as tears flowed. I never meant to upset my mother and here she was accusing me of things that didn't make sense. I began explaining to her that I sent the information and she was not receptive. She clearly had no intention of talking because she was still screaming, not yelling, screaming at me. She told me she was going home. That conversation replayed in my head the entire trip.
We decided to feel it, feel that disappointment. We had all felt some sort of way because she wasn't coming and we had all gone out of our way to ensure this was an amazing trip for her. It felt empty.
Our rooms were amazing. We had extended balconies at the back of the boat, adjoining balconies with rooms next to each other. It was a beautiful day and the blues of the sky and ocean were incredibly calming.
We chose to try to make the best of what we had planned. It was just nice spending time with people, seeing the views and it was my first time traveling to the Bahamas. Everyone else had been to an island there, not me. We were going to Nassau and I was excited to see a new adventure.
I can honestly say the trip on the cruise was the best part. Feeling the peace and quiet of the balcony, being a part of the crazy excitement throughout the boat, and each type of entertainment.
As for Nassau, I was left unimpressed. It was pretty by the docks. They were recovering from the hurricane but the depressed feeling was not the aftermath of the hurricane at all.
I enjoyed the time I had with my partner and friends. It was beautiful scenery because cruising on the ocean always brings a weird sense of peace to my mind. I just came back feeling more empty than when I had left early that morning to travel for hours. The entire time I was traveling to get to Miami, I had an excitement and anticipation to see my mother. I was traveling home from Miami feeling refreshed but alone. I had people around me and yet felt sadness.
I came home to hear how I am to blame. What is new? I am always to blame. I tried in vain to make sure this would happen. I lost out emotionally, financially, and mentally. Why would I do that to myself?