I love sitting by the light of the Christmas tree. I have always loved that glow. There is an intimacy, romantic, and just peaceful feeling about it.
For years I stopped enjoying Christmas because it had been a sort of anniversary of betrayal and heartbreak. I used to go through the motions for the kids. I don't know why I allowed myself to feel that pain every year. Years and years had gone by and it would just turn my stomach. I would dread the holiday, knowing it was a stark reminder of a time of pain.
Fast forward about 6 years. The past couple of years have been different. My life is in a good place, I have a wonderful partner who is the polar opposite of my ex. It's felt surreal because I never knew a person could be so kind and understanding. I had to really get used to him. My damn awful aunt and uncle were just miserable people who never showed affection or appreciation for anything or anyone. My ex, the one who had fallen into love with drugs and sin, that ex, had become so volatile and abusive in his words and actions that I had barely understood love anymore.
Here is this new man, so gentle and understanding. He asks for nothing and yet somehow gives me everything. He can hold my hand and any anxiety or fear disappears. It's a welcomed change. His son has been growing, I've been a part of it for about 5 years now. We are not married but we are a family in heart and spirit.
I enjoy watching the boy feel the excitement of Christmas, the lights, the decorations, and of course his gifts! The feeling of Christmas has felt good again.
At the same time, my heart aches. I miss my own children. They aren't quite children anymore, they are all grown and living their best years. I watch from afar, contact is there but they are each going through their own phase of life where I don't necessarily fit in. I have been in grieving. I could never tell them that or share that with anyone. They don't know that about me. All they know is the girl I want them to know. Right now, it is the girl enjoying the Christmas lights and watching this child eagerly waiting for Christmas morning to open his gifts and act as if there is nothing but joy in this world. I enjoy Christmas again, waiting for it now seems exciting. What a difference!